I am falling into a spectacular bout of depression triggered by the realization of how much control I actually have over what happens in my life. Sounds stupid, right? But it’s true. There are certain things in my life that I have the power to control, but no one cares what I think so the control goes right out the window. It’s a sad realization. I am sitting here baffled at the fact that I am not going to be able to get out of doing something I truly abhor even considering.
This is about a life change, a life choice…a real way to stop your world from crumbling down around you. You have to make the decision to internalize what you learn from addiction treatment, and make it your own. You have to truly become one with the program.
There are ways to get through rehab, then there are ways to succeed. Success includes a long term commitment to actually being clean for a lifetime after the program. There are far too many people jumping into drug treatment thinking that it is just a thing to do so they can get through a rough time. It’s not about the long term benefits, only the short term relief. There are a number of people who also think that they are going to be able to get their friends and family off their backs if they “do their time” in a program. It’s the wrong way to think about rehabilitation.
What matters?
YOU matter. Your recovery matters. This is not about you pleasing others. It’s not about getting through the weeks of treatment to return back to your old life. This is about a life change, a life choice…a real way to stop your world from crumbling down around you. You have to make the decision to internalize what you learn from addiction treatment, and make it your own. You have to truly become one with the program. Why waste other people’s time and effort if you are not willing to meet them in the middle, grab that torch, and run with it striving to the finish line?
You can do a drug rehab bid and come out a new person, or come out the same as you went in. The end result is not based on what other people think or do. This is YOUR turning point. This is YOUR final call. Will you be the one who rejoices as they pass milestone after milestone on to recovery or will you be the one in the gutters that others run past on their way to freedom?
Being out here is like being in jail to an extent. I wish I could get my husband to understand that. He thinks I can just walk around NY with our son with no problem whatsoever. I mean, we ARE in a pretty calm part of it, but it’s STILL NY! When we move again, it won’t be so calm.
Even though I know that he and his godfather are doing their best to make me comfortable here, it’s like I just can’t get there. I know we are leaving soon, so I don’t want to get that comfortable anyway. Depression keeps peeking through my curtains when I look out over the water. I keep fighting it every day. It is like fighting a ghost. You cannot see it or touch it to strangle it and make it leave you alone.
I have been having more frequent panic attacks than ever in recent weeks. This week has been the worst and I don’t really expect next week to get any better. I am so stressed about this move to New York that I could burst. Not to mention, we have a ton of other things we are getting done at the same time. I have been bogged down in website coding for at least 2 weeks and there is an end in sight, but not very soon. I would love to do a podcast about anxiety attacks, but right now it would probably just trigger the full blown nervous breakdown I have been trying to ward off. Just please be patient as we transition from here to there. I know that you all love me and I love you too, it’s just a rough time in my life right now with all these changes!
Blessings and love to you all.
Today I deal with some issues in the news and the sexual affliction that periodically plagues me and my relationship.
Mentioned in the podcast:
Stuck with the Stigma
Treatment for Borderline
Study about genetics
Natural remedies for bipolar and depression
Music:
Human Nature
You Are Not Alone
Man In The Mirror
RIP Michael Jackson
In this return episode of The Meltdown Podcast, I talk about depression rearing its ugly head. I also have a little chatter about women’s issues *sorry guys* toward the end. There are a lot of things going on in my life right now, so I figured I would share them with you all.
I also have shot outs to people who have lost loved ones recently. It’s hard to lose someone you love!
I am using my brand new studio mic and a new version of Audacity, so if it sounds funny please give me a learning curve break here 
Mentioned:
In The Rooms Recovery site
Battlefield of the Mind
Songs used:
The Fray –
You Found Me & Hundred
How to Save a Life
Casting Crowns – Set Me Free
I know you have probably been missing it, and so have I. It has been so hectic over here that my brain has not had time to really focus on any one thing really. I hope that you will continue to come and read even if there is nothing to listen to here. I love you all and appreciate your visits.
I have lead a life full of sacrifice, it seems. You would think I would be used to it by now, but I am not. I know that the things that we are doing right now come with a lot of sacrifice. I can’t have everything the way I want it. I can’t be the way I want to be. I can’t just let everything go and do what I feel.
Being a Christian comes with sacrifice anyway. It’s part and parcel of the full deal of following Christ. To follow Him means you do the things that He did even unto death. I should expect to sacrifice. Even one of the fruit of the spirit is LONG SUFFERING. It’s the way I have chosen this life. It isn’t easy, especially while coping with sacrifice and trying to keep from relapsing into psychosis.
There are times when I get tired of being around people. Some may call me a sociophobe or even a sociopath at times. I come to intervals in my life when all I want to do is be alone and secluded. I don’t want to be connected to anyone or anything. It doesn’t happen nearly as often as it once did. I still feel sort of detached from the world most of the time. It’s almost like running a robot with remote control sometimes. I know I can’t be the only person that ever felt this way.
In my travels over the net, I have found that many people like to blog their mental illnesses. I found the best anti-blog post to date this afternoon as I surfed.
Shallow Coffee is not at all shy about talking with others about bipolar, but she doesn’t want to deal with it either. I don’t really blame her. Admitting you have a problem, especially a mental one, can do so much to your relationships. It can do so much in the prejudging that people already do of a person once they meet. Having kids and a mental disorder also makes complications for the children sometimes. I love the way she just comes out and says what she thinks about the whole ordeal.
My notes to you: Don’t ever say you are weak due to your mental illness(es). Don’t ever think that just because your brain functions differently that it is always a hindrance to you. You have been strong enough to go through this for years and not falter. You have been stable enough to have a family, and raise them yourself. That is NOT weak. You are strong enough to admit what is wrong with you and what is going on in your mind. You are strong because you LIVE with your illnesses and have not let them destroy you. More power to you sweetie. I pray that you continue in strength!
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