In recent months, I have had a very impromptu resurrection of the Borderline Beast. I am also in counseling dealing with it right now.
My counselor has stated that she has seen me spiraling and is now focusing on stopping me before I fall off the edge again.
It’s been a long time since I was this close.
She is the first to suggest real solid ways to combat this coming break in sanity. Most of them are things I would rather not do…but that has nothing to do with anything but my sheer annoyance at trying and failing. Her suggestions are valid.
Things like making longer term goals, setting up break points where I have an opportunity to celebrate progress, making a real effort to take control of my time and energy and spend it on things that matter to me specifically…things I won’t lose interest in and move on from after my will has been exhausted.
She said I should even look into going back to school. She said that the things that I am currently involved in are beneath my intellect and skill levels. She nearly made me cry….
I SAID NEARLY. Yeah, I sucked those tears back up in my face so quick… I still don’t feel fully ready to be vulnerable there.
So now with the resurrection of the beast I am resurrecting this blog.
Let’s get at it.
After the ordeals we have gone through … How could I possibly have any pride left? Feeling like we’ve been wronged…is that pride? Is it pride to think that we should be treated better? Is it pride to want better for our family? Is it pride to think that after all the hard work and dedication that it should pay off? If it is, then that pride is soon to be broken… my worth is no longer an issue.
Some of us have prayed to God to kill us so we won’t go to hell for killing ourselves…
I abhor how my bouts of depression are partially contingent on the treatment I receive from others.
This time it’s more of a fight than it has been…almost ever…I would fathom.
Well because this time I have no physical way out. I don’t cut anymore. I don’t hurt myself when I’m overwhelmed. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. NOTHING…. So the only thing I have left is prayer and meditation… trusting that God will do something miraculous so that this temporary situation will subside and my life will start again.
Not having a way out and trusting God with everything is no easy task. When I get into the weeds of my mind, I have to continually beat down the thorns as they try to overtake my state of being. I have to continuously remind myself that there is a way bigger purpose for this holding pattern.
One day it will be realized…one day soon… the worse the depression tries to overtake me, the closer I know I am to the breakthrough.
I just recently learned about a ministry in Washington State that is spreading its influence closer to where I reside.
I had to think about what types of resources would be available for the people in the area as they become free through this ministry. I was happy to find that there are places available that will be able to help those who have mental health issues standing in their way. There is Seattle mental health counseling which is a viable solution. They are also versed in dealing with people who are depressed. Depression is a rampant devil wreaking havoc on many a mind in this economy. Natural disasters and job loss are just two of the many events that can spur depression.
Reading through the simple to understand website, you can see that the counselor is passionate about her work. There are also testimonials from patients who have had success in the care of this particular office. You can read more for yourself. You can really get a feel for the counselor and her mannerisms. She took great care in expounding on her knowledge of her profession and her desire to create a safe environment for people to become free and grow into a successful future. You can learn more about Dianne by taking a read through what she has written. Really heartfelt and knowledgeable…I have a mind to write her directly and let her know that I am glad there are real counselors out there who truly care about their patients’ health and well being.
I am falling into a spectacular bout of depression triggered by the realization of how much control I actually have over what happens in my life. Sounds stupid, right? But it’s true. There are certain things in my life that I have the power to control, but no one cares what I think so the control goes right out the window. It’s a sad realization. I am sitting here baffled at the fact that I am not going to be able to get out of doing something I truly abhor even considering.
This is about a life change, a life choice…a real way to stop your world from crumbling down around you. You have to make the decision to internalize what you learn from addiction treatment, and make it your own. You have to truly become one with the program.
There are ways to get through rehab, then there are ways to succeed. Success includes a long term commitment to actually being clean for a lifetime after the program. There are far too many people jumping into drug treatment thinking that it is just a thing to do so they can get through a rough time. It’s not about the long term benefits, only the short term relief. There are a number of people who also think that they are going to be able to get their friends and family off their backs if they “do their time” in a program. It’s the wrong way to think about rehabilitation.
YOU matter. Your recovery matters. This is not about you pleasing others. It’s not about getting through the weeks of treatment to return back to your old life. This is about a life change, a life choice…a real way to stop your world from crumbling down around you. You have to make the decision to internalize what you learn from addiction treatment, and make it your own. You have to truly become one with the program. Why waste other people’s time and effort if you are not willing to meet them in the middle, grab that torch, and run with it striving to the finish line?
You can do a drug rehab bid and come out a new person, or come out the same as you went in. The end result is not based on what other people think or do. This is YOUR turning point. This is YOUR final call. Will you be the one who rejoices as they pass milestone after milestone on to recovery or will you be the one in the gutters that others run past on their way to freedom?
Being out here is like being in jail to an extent. I wish I could get my husband to understand that. He thinks I can just walk around NY with our son with no problem whatsoever. I mean, we ARE in a pretty calm part of it, but it’s STILL NY! When we move again, it won’t be so calm.
Even though I know that he and his godfather are doing their best to make me comfortable here, it’s like I just can’t get there. I know we are leaving soon, so I don’t want to get that comfortable anyway. Depression keeps peeking through my curtains when I look out over the water. I keep fighting it every day. It is like fighting a ghost. You cannot see it or touch it to strangle it and make it leave you alone.