Self sabotage: the inevitable truth
I always sabotage my relationships with people. Some get over it, others don’t. Some of us fix it, others of us just stop being in any type of relationship. I have been good at this for a long time now. A slip of the lip, the wrong things written somewhere…it’s the inevitable truth of my world.
I have tried on more than one occasion to ruin my marriage. I have tried on a number of occasions to screw up every friendship that I have ever had. I have succeeded in some friendships but thank God not in my marriage. I wish I knew why I am so self-destructive, so hell-bent on screwing thing up beyond repair…
There are so many times, like right now for instance, that I wish I could take something back that was said or written… but it’s too late. The damage is done. My stomach is in knots so tight that I can’t even think about eating or drinking anything. This knot won’t go away unless there is some form of resolution to the issue… I fear that I have knocked this particular relationship past the brink of no return. We weren’t that close. We have never met in real life, but the friendship mattered to me anyway… so much… and I ruined it. It makes me want to slink away and never return.
Why am I forced to deal with my own idiocracy?
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3 Responses to “Self sabotage: the inevitable truth”
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I understand that very well. I sabotage careers, relationships, and lot’s of other things. It’s like there’s a subconscious fear of success.
I so hear this. It may be that when we are going faster the impulsiveness makes us forget to think before we speak. And as far as being brutally honest, the ‘best policy’ can sure get us in trouble.
Maybe I have a secret wish that if that special someone really loves me, then they’ll understand and forgive. I’m learning now how to have more self-control, but it’s been 35 years I’ve had bipolar disorder.
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