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Sometimes I Act Crazy: Ch 3-5

April 17th, 2007 · Borderline Personality Disorder, books

Thus far, these were the hardest chapters for me to read.

Chapter 3 covered interpersonal relationships. I have written before about how I am a self saboteur. I can easily go back into a number of past relationships and friendships that went stale because of my actions or attitude. Even now, my marriage teeters on the brink of destruction due to my inconsistent behavior. Sometimes I am the queen of domestic duties, my house spotless, my child well cared for… then other times *like right now* when I can stare at a pile of dishes or clothes and say “eh”. It infuriates me and my husband. He can’t quite understand why I have such a problem doing my daily tasks.

In the book they talk about sexual ambiguity and the “Groundhog Day” effect, both of which I have gone through in my lifetime. As of this very moment, I am suffering from the latter. Every day starts and ends pretty much the same, with me fighting not to harm myself and my son fighting to take over the world. He asks the same questions every morning which get the same answer. The dog goes out like clockwork: 8, 3, 10.  It’s virtual insanity.

Chapter 4 dealt with the identity issue: Who am I? What is the point in my being here? I can trace this problem back to when I was a pre-teen. I have always felt like I was someone else, like maybe I was adopted. Maybe the whole world was a doll house and God was the dollmaker. I was just waiting for him to take the roof off my house and pluck me out.

I would dream that I was becoming someone else, that I was the ideal person that others wanted to see me become, and the person that I believed to be perfect. In these dreams, which turned into visions, I would have long luxurious wavy hair, an added 4 inches to my height, slender curves, and a glowing skin tone. My voice made people sight. It was as if I was a fairytale princess come to life every time I closed my eyes. I would awaken from those dreams, run to the bathroom, look in the mirror and begin to bawl because it was only a dream.

Chapter 5 is about destructive impulsivity. This is where we get down and dirty about drugs, sex, and other addictive behaviors. I found myself putting the book down or squirming in my seat a lot during this chapter. I still have the propensity to become addicted to alcohol. Right now, I fill the void with food which is why I can’t lose weight. There are so many things that I do to replace the other impulses that I have, it’s mind boggling. When I find myself turning to alcohol, I switch immediately to something like tea or coffee or food or something that is less damaging. Recently, it has turned to cutting which I have done only twice, but the urge has been there since I was a teen. Then I would pull out hair or something like that. There has always been something… at least since I was 8. I could tell you other things that would raise the hairs on your neck, but I won’t…not right now.

Chapter 6 is by far the very worst and it marks the midpoint of the book… more on that after I read up through chapter 8.

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