Lost In the Mirror Chap 1-10
Here is a synopsis of what I have been going through in the first half of this book:
Chapter 3 elicits particular interest to me as it deals with some of the rage issues I have been having. That poem “When she was good she was very very good” comes back to haunt me on the very first page. I was always quoted that poem as a child.
I have also been adept at splitting for a long time. It’s not the same as “split personality” or “multiple personality”…but they share some traits. Those things are talked about more in Chapter 4. Since being abused, I have learned to take emotion, feeling, and pain away by “going away”. It’s something I can do without much effort now.
Substance abuse used to help me with that. I used to be able to immerse myself into a bottle or smoke myself into oblivion. Now that I cannot do that, my impulses have shifted. We get into impulses in chapter 9…
As far as the previous blog post goes, that is all asked in Chapter 8. I only just read that last night. The way to get back to who I really am is to ask myself the hard questions and form myself around what I know to be true. Empathy for others and being a chameleon for their traits has always been something I have struggled with…at first I thought it was cool. I justified it by saying I was just like Paul in the Bible…all things to all people. All the while I felt like I was leaking parts of myself.
Chapters 6 and 7 deal with molestation/abuse and when symptoms begin. One part that really struck me is that a person in my position will usually seek out a partner who takes control over the situation so that the other person doesn’t have to. I defer a lot to my spouse on many things, although not always without a fight. I didn’t seek him out, though. We just happened to find each other through diving providence. … another story for another day.
I will be finishing the review of this book and my experiences soon.
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2 Responses to “Lost In the Mirror Chap 1-10”
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Great post. I have read the book as well and like most BPD books I read, I highlight and comment in the margins and then blog about them. As I have written on my site, I read all these books when first diagnosed and I think my response was mostly negative to a lot of them. But this is one I remember liking. My favorite is still Borderline Disorder Demystified, which I think is the best BPD book out there as it is hopeful and treats us respectfully as people. Good, decent people who just happen to have a complex condition.
Anyway, wanted to say I relate to this post. I am not married and relationships terrify me after having been so clingy and messing them up always. But I also have deferred to whomever I was dating. I don’t know if it was fear of abandonment (I suspect that played a big part) plus also that I deferred to someone else b/c well, they are better at this than me, and they love me, so I will “be a good girl” do what they want and then they will still love me. (stupid childhood issues!) I read once a very harsh yet enlightening statement that said that often in relationships, If the person with BPD is left by their partner, it’s like they cease to exist. We define ourselves so much by others when we have so much difficulty getting to know who WE are.
Man, I always write too much. That’s why I say I am a much better editor of others’ work that I am my own! Anyway, I read your site every time you post and it is great to hear from someone else getting through this.
best to you,
gisele
It’s nice to hear from someone else who has read this book. I appreciate your comment Gisele. I also appreciate that you read this blog on a regular basis. You don’t know what that means to me.’
That statement is utterly true, though…once left you lose yourself. I have left so many times so that I could retain a piece of ME instead of letting it wash away in the flood of emotion that follows.