Crawling in my Skin
Pretty much. I have been fighting myself to not self injure on and off for over a month. Yesterday was the point where I was just like *this is it*. I went into the bedroom, locked the door, and meditated. I meditated so hard all I could hear was my heart beating.
My husband, fearing the worst, had been banging on the door trying to jimmy it open. He had no clue what I was doing in there. I couldn’t really hear him. He was rather relieved when I finally came out unscathed.
Nothing really led up to me going in the bedroom except my own frustration. Frustration with me and money. I rescheduled my therapy for next week. I hope I can scrape the money together by then. I will probably ask them what they do if you can’t pay, just to see if I can get there and make it up the next time I come in. *sigh* I hate the holiday season.
Tags: money, depression, self+injure
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3 Responses to “Crawling in my Skin”
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Ok, this is where I open my big mouth (via my big fingers) and probably get myself banned from your site by dishing out some unwanted advice. But here goes:
Suck it up.
Hurting yourself accomplishes nothing. It doesn’t address the problems that are bothering you. It does nothing to make your life better. Ultimately, it also does nothing to reduce your emotional pain.
So stop it. Stop thinking about it. You know darned well that even entertaining the idea makes you feel even WORSE about yourself. So knock it off.
Don’t think of it as a solution to anything. It’s really only the beginning of even MORE problems. Sure, you might get a nice little vacation in the hospital for a while where you get to avoid having to actually deal directly with what’s causing you to be upset in the first place, but all that crap is going to be waiting for you the instant you get out and you STILL won’t have learned how to deal with it. But, hey, you’ll have enjoyed some lovely green jello in the meantime.
Money causes *everyone* stress, anxiety and panic. You’re perfectly normal in that respect. 100% healthy. In fact, you’d be screwed up if the lack of money DIDN’T bother you. That way lies utter irresponsibility and the belief that it’s always someone else’s job to rescue your butt. So don’t even THINK of going there, either.
So what to do? Address the lack of money. eBay stuff if you can. If you don’t have stuff to eBay, get someone else’s used stuff at Salvation Army, garage sales or even by cruising around your neighborhood on trash day for things people are tossing out. This time of year there’s usually quite a bit of junk being jettisoned to make room for more junk.
Or get a paper route. Most major newspapers hire independent contractors to get up in the middle of the night and roll then toss papers. Three hours of work seven days a week can bring in $25,000 or more every year while you’re your own boss. Meanwhile, you’re still able to be home by the time Hubby gets up in the morning.
But this nonsense about harming yourself is just that: nonsense. You aren’t going to make your life better by doing something you KNOW is wrong. So stop taking the idea out of your mind’s toy box and playing with it. You’re too grown up for such juvenile thoughts and deeds, so like any toy you’ve outgrown it’s time to put that one away and never EVER get it out again.
I’ll go away now, and will completely understand if you ban me for having said this. But I’d have felt like I was the one doing something wrong if I didn’t.
I like what Kate said, even though it was a little rough around the edges
I think she made some good points.
Suni - look at your URL name…”BulletProofSoul” Stay strong girl!
I feel ya honey, I really do. Bless you for staying strong enough to fight it.