Want to give up on therapy
It’s not a reflection on my therapist at all. I just don’t want to go anymore. It’s helping me, yes. It hurts like crazy…I am tired of hurting, even if it’s to get better. I am dreading my appointment tomorrow. DREADING it. The last thing that she said that I have echoing in my head: We have a lot of work to do.
Now, work doesn’t scare me. It’s the fact that my present day issues have nothing to do with most of what she thinks we have to work on. Of course, if I try to explain that to her, it seems like I am trying to squirm out of fixing things.
I am honestly at the point where I would rather go inpatient for a week and deal on my own terms, than to have to get my soul ripped out, put back in, sewn up, and sent back to my house to deal. How can I ever make real progress if I have to live in my present situation every day, hardly a break? Then if I am alone here, I go a little off the side of bonkers and can’t stop my ridiculously evil thoughts from flowing.
I was alone all weekend till tonight, pretty much. It was so hard to fend off the evil thoughts. I heard all kinds of things popping through my brain. I hated the silence and distance. It was just one of those weekends where being alone was not a relished feeling. I needed to be around people. I just had no means to do so.
Thankfully, the weekend is over. I made it… but now I have to face my therapist tomorrow when all I want to do is run.
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Have you tried listening to therapeautic/spa music? I found the artist Felixdroid to be relaxing and also Rivertribe.
I know I can go in and out of moods depending on who tries to get on my last nerves. But something about the holistic nature of these artists music calms me. U can listen to Rivertribe here: http://www.rivertribe.com and you can listen to Felixdroid here: http://www.felixdroid.co.uk/
Sending u love!
Believe me, you’re not alone in how you feel about therapy. I feel the same way.
When you say “have to get my soul ripped out, put back in, sewn up, and sent back to my house to deal” … that’s how I feel every single time I go to counseling, so I stopped going.
Now I’m trying to basically treat my borderline personality disorder and depression on my own without any therapy. I am on medication, but that only goes so far.
I really hope your appointment with the therapist goes okay and you don’t feel so bad afterwards. I’ll be thinking of you. Good luck.
~ http://bpdokc.blogspot.com