Fallen again
Yes I fell again last night. For whatever reason, this past week has been one of the hardest in a long time. I didn’t have anywhere to turn last night. I kept trying to forget about what was plaguing me. I kept trying to pray it away, wish it away…whatever I could do not to fall back into the spiraling abyss of psychotic depression that I was in before…but I fell. I fell hard. I couldn’t call the crisis line even though I had every intention. I went for the phone, but someone was using the line… and therefore I never got to crisis calling. I went back to my corner, found my release, and still there was no peace to be found. I knew it when I did it, but that glimmer of hope that maybe this time would be different kept me from stopping. I tried to stop. I did stop. I didn’t peel away my skin. I didn’t remove the face that offends me every day.
I don’t hate myself. I hate the things that the people I love hate about me. I think I am a cool person, but that’s not who people see. I try to show MYSELF, but I get shot every time. I am tired of being told I’m not enough, that I am not pretty enough, nice enough, smart enough… In church yesterday, the pastor spoke something that I have always believed:
If you hear a lie about yourself long enough, you start to believe it and become that lie.
It becomes truth for you. That is how it has always worked for me. I have always said this, and I am always told the same thing: Stop believing the lies. Stop listening to what other people think.
Yeah, easy, right?
NOT!
Transforming my thoughts to those that edify instead of destroy has been a process. A long tedious process. I have come so far, but have so much further to come. There is still only one person in my life that I give the authority to break me. I don’t know how to reclaim that right back short of not being around that person…and that is not an option. I have a lot to think about, a lot to deal with. I have to pick myself back up from this fall and start all over again.
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