Welcome back. This week Anxiety is on the menu. Check out the symptoms of Anxiety and take a listen to see how it affects people like me. We get a little into the background of what makes me who I am and how other people’s actions have affected my personality.

What else is there? Compulsive behaviors, OCD, Physical and mental manifestations of anxiety. The difference between panic disorders and phobias, and some marked differences in impulses between bipolar and borderline disorders. Take a listen, give me feedback.

Music: I’m So Sick by Flyleaf

It Always Rains when I am supposed to meet with my therapist.

I told my mother earlier that the weather said it wasn’t going to rain Friday. I told her I didn’t believe it, that by tomorrow it would be raining. Lo and behold, the forecast has changed and it WILL rain tomorrow. Every single time I have met with my therapist,  it has rained. The only day it didn’t rain was the day I went to see the ‘chiatrist. I knew at that very moment our meeting would not go well. Rain wasn’t even in the forecast for the forseeable future then. Makes you wonder.

I like rain, though. It always helps me to emote better. I am sure we will get a good session out tomorrow, either way.

Blogged with Flock

Tags: rain, weather, depression, psychiatrist, therapist

And it helps that my husband is back home from work training.

Blogged with Flock

Tags: impulse, borderline personality, BPD

Not in my psyche, he isn’t.

I have no control over what this man does to me within the confines of his little office. No, he cannot prescribe me drugs if I don’t want them. He can’t send me to the hospital if I am not a threat to myself or others. He can’t take my child if I am not a threat to him

BUT

He could hurt me.
In so many other ways.
Yes he is a professional…but professionals aren’t exempt from sins of the flesh.
And these are the thoughts I am fighting today.
and have been fighting for two weeks.

I know in my mind that he won’t do these things.
I know.
I know.
But it doesn’t make me freak out any less.

It’s gonna be another lonely night
one more and I’m gonna die
wired out waiting for the sign
coz your a risk and im borderline
Michael Gray – Borderline

As weird as it sounds, that song came to me this morning, o I thought I would look up the words. There, the first verse says it all. Last night was rough. The day started out nice enough. The Kid and I were getting along. The mutt was being nice. Everything was peachy. As the night wore on, my reticence wore out. I ended the night in tears. It was just fitting that my husband would decide that he wouldn’t be anywhere near his hotel so I could call him and get reassurance. Obviously, he had no idea what dire straights I was in, so it wasn’t his fault. The point is, I didn’t get to talk to him till he was ready to sleep at 3 am. I couldn’t sleep till I heard his voice.

I am still reading the Mirror book. More on that later.

Today is a rough day for me. Every day leading up to my husband going to training has been rough. Saturday it started getting unbearable. I flipped out and cried over a pie. A FRIGGING PIE >_< Then Sunday night, after we had a good day….I started in with anger and fear. I got anxious and it started building up. I was snatching things and yelling at people. Then my husband was trying to get me to stop being outwardly crazy. Something snapped inside me and I just sat down and tried to undo the massive knot I made in my yarn skein. He said, in the nicest voice ever “can you be nice now?” That was it for me. I told him I didn’t think I could and just balled up into his shoulder in tears. I hate being lonely. These 8 days are going to suck….

M

G

Now I have to wait till October 12th. She is supposedly sick. I think she took a mental health day for herself.

This is not good.

Agitated and distraught doesn’t even cover the platitude of my emotional upset right now.

I could barely sleep last night. My stomach is in knots. I was whimpering in my sleep, my husband said so. I hate the idea of having to go to this doc today. I loved my last psych, but that was when I was ten years old. Yes, it’s been that long since I went to a psych. Is that good or bad? Who  knows.

I do know that I am not going to let them take advantage of me. I will not be made a victim or a head case. I will not be belittled. I already know what can happen. My family has a long history of going to psychs. I gotta lay it all down on the line at once and let her know what I think, feel, and what’s up. I have no problem being honest. I hope that she can take it in stride. Just because you have a degree and practice psychiatry doesn’t mean you are up to the task. I have to be on full alert.

With another child on the way, I think I am even more sensitive to what people DON’T say, more than what they say. First of all, I am emotional just because of the pregnancy. Secondly, their silence just confirms what I think they are thinking about me. Lastly, no one EVER says anything to contradict what I think they think so it’s doubly confirmed that I have been judged. Maybe it’s just my own paranoia, but that’s what it feels like to me.

I hate how I feel like my world is crumbling away as I get further into myself. I can’t tell anyone what I really feel or think, they might call the authorities…then I really would lose everything. I save it for the anonymous online, but that doesn’t work either, since my online friends seem to be judging me. See the dilemma?

oh yeah. i didnt tell you guys. I am expecting March 3, 2008 LOL