BULLETPROOFsoul » blah

Fight the temptation to pray for death

Bulletproof Soul — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 00:36:22 +0000

Yeah, I said it. I have been so sick the last week I can’t fathom being alive much longer. It’s like I am being dangled in front of death’s door and he is walking around me with his big stick saying “im not touching you!” with a menacing kid-like grin. Curse you demon sickness and whatever brought you on!!! AGONY!!!

In other news, I am actually feeling better than I was on Wednesday when this came on me full force like lightning. I will try my hardest to get you a podcast this Monday because dang it, I said I would do this every Monday, then I knocked it down to every other Monday. Now it’s like, between life, health, and the emotional drainage of the show…I can’t get it together. Be not afraid! I will!!!!

okay now im done spewing archaic language at you. thanx for being lovely fans and continually downloading my podcast. you all rock!

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Impulses: Lost gusto

Bulletproof Soul — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 22:01:46 +0000

It sucks to know that you only a few short months ago enjoyed doing something so much that it overtook your dreams. That’s how it was with me and my knitting. I was totally obsessed. Now, I pick up the needles, do a few stitches, and just walk away again. It is really frustrating. I am hoping and praying that as the time draws nearer for woolly scarves and mittens, that my fervor will return. I fear that it will not and I will have amassed all these supplies for nothing.

Just like I returned to my guitar, but with less gusto than when I picked it up the first time…I have yet again put it down and walked away. I WANT to do these things, but they are just not calling me.

And even now with a book I was reading. I have 1/2 inch out of a 3 1/2 inch thick book left to read, but I cannot bring myself to read it. I keep starting new books, hoping that it’s just a phase…but even those books are going half read.

The worst is with cleaning my house. I am forcing myself to do what has to be done, but I would rather do it with joy. I have been fighting off this unfounded depression for over a month. It started slowly, months ago, and began to creep across me like quick sand. When you stop thrashing around you don’t stop sinking, but you only sink more slowly. Now I’m stuck, looking for a vine to pull me out of the mire.

I keep praying about it… and forcing myself to do the things I yearn to feel the want to do… I just hope that the want comes back soon.

Anxiety , Panic, What now

Bulletproof Soul — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 04:21:51 +0000

I am having the mother of anxiety attacks at this very moment. I feel like my body is going to shake itself apart at the joints, from the inside out. My stomach is running around like a rabid squirrel. I don’t know what will happen if I get up out of this chair. I think I might pass out. It’s an hour till my husband gets home from work and I am panicking out of my friggin mind right now. I am glad my son is asleep or else it would be more than hellish in here. I would have to try and hold myself together … and that ain’t happenin’. I don’t even know what I would do or say if he came home early. I think I would just fall apart right at his feet. He would be catching pieces of me as I disintegrated into nothingness. In a way I wish he would come home early because I am losing it… and I need some support.

Close to the cut

Bulletproof Soul — Sun, 04 Nov 2007 06:22:32 +0000

Between all the crap that went on the last week and now the 2nd anniversary of my grandmother’s passing…I am so close to cutting or drinking myself into oblivion it’s sad. I just got to talk to my Man a few minutes ago. Him being gone has been taking such a toll. Tomorrow I am alone all day long…on the anniversary of my grandmother’s death. THIS SUCKS MAJOR ROTTEN EGGS. I see the psych @ 2:30 on Monday. The Kid went to be with his grandparents this evening till after my appointment.

praying I can last that long without self harming

Im so Sick

Bulletproof Soul — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 20:29:28 +0000

Today is a rough day for me. Every day leading up to my husband going to training has been rough. Saturday it started getting unbearable. I flipped out and cried over a pie. A FRIGGING PIE >_< Then Sunday night, after we had a good day….I started in with anger and fear. I got anxious and it started building up. I was snatching things and yelling at people. Then my husband was trying to get me to stop being outwardly crazy. Something snapped inside me and I just sat down and tried to undo the massive knot I made in my yarn skein. He said, in the nicest voice ever “can you be nice now?” That was it for me. I told him I didn’t think I could and just balled up into his shoulder in tears. I hate being lonely. These 8 days are going to suck….

Where’s the hero?

Bulletproof Soul — Sun, 21 Oct 2007 15:28:16 +0000

I don’t know if there is a hero. Jesus/God can’t be called a hero so much as the essence of life itself. One cannot exist without the other. Jesus saved us from our sins, yes…but who saves us from ourselves?

You know you are having a bad day when

Bulletproof Soul — Sat, 20 Oct 2007 18:21:45 +0000

You go to type in the address for your blog, and end up typing DEPRESSION instead.

What was that again?

Bulletproof Soul — Sat, 08 Sep 2007 14:47:28 +0000

Oh yeah… the miscarriage. THAT’S what that was. Actually 2 miscarriages, but I haven’t told many people about the 2nd one in July right after the first. What’s the point in telling the entire world about my uber grief? I am tired of hearing condolences and preachings on faith. I am REALLY sick of people who don’t know what I have gone through asking me when I am going to try for another, and instead of taking the hint of me saying I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT they continue to chatter on and on about how I NEED to have another child… blah blah FRIGGIN BLAH!!!

Can’t people just take the hint? Can’t they mind their own DAMNED business? It’s my body, my life, my family. No one else has to pay for the repercussions of my decisions but me and my family. No one else has to go to the hospital to be told their baby is dead and then be screwed in the ear with a $700 hospital bill after the insurance has paid what it will. No one else has to deal with the mental anguish and frustration but me. Either way it’s a financial burden, an emotional trial, a rollercoaster of hell.

Don’t tell me to have “faith” that I will heal and that I can have another child. So many people have said that to me, I can nearly hear them say it before it comes from their mouths. What if I don’t want to??? STFU! Let me live as I must and let me make the decisions I see fit for my body, my life, my family.

Why even leave?

Bulletproof Soul — Sun, 02 Sep 2007 17:31:26 +0000

I have been trying to get out of this house for the past 5 days… just to go out somewhere and have fun. For 4 of those days my plans have been thwarted by other people… Tonight I screwed myself out of a good time. I decided to wait around…for other people. I could have left at ten but I am still sitting here an hour and a half later. My husband said something interesting last night:

What’s the point in going out to spend money at a bar for drinks? You can drink at home for much cheaper. What’s the point in dancing?

I have to say that those things sunk into my brain today as I got myself all dolled up to go out. After my sister canceled on me, I had no desire to go out alone and chill tonight. That hadn’t been my original intention. I hate going to places late at night alone. I feel vulnerable to attack. I have a deep seated fear that someone will rape me…again.

So here I sit, at the computer, all gussied up and ready to go… for no reason at all. I think I will just go change into my pajamas, let the dog out of his jail ..erm .. kennel and go to bed.

Anger bubbles like indigestion

Bulletproof Soul — Sat, 07 Apr 2007 19:28:01 +0000

I can’t keep it together today. I woke up angry. I have been angry ever since. WHY? Who knows. Nothing today is making it any better. I have a headache now. The kid is grinding his teeth on my nerves. I can’t keep myself from yelling. Everything irks me. I am so aggravated. I can’t concentrate. I am getting dizzy. I don’t even know what else to say about it other than pray for me. I still don’t have my appointment set with the psych doctor in my area. I have to call on Monday and see what’s up with that.

In other news, I received one of the books (Hunger) I ordered from Amazon. Here is a run down of books that I have bought/won thus far:

Make sure to check out the new book store that I have added to this site. It’s called Bulletproof Books. It is full of books that pertain to bipolar, borderline, and depression.