This week I talk about relationships and how you work within them with an MI (mental illness). I also refer to a books that I have reviewed. Check out my thorough reviews:

The books

Music:
#1 Crush by Garbage

Here is a synopsis of what I have been going through in the first half of this book:

Chapter 3 elicits particular interest to me as it deals with some of the rage issues I have been having. That poem “When she was good she was very very good” comes back to haunt me on the very first page. I was always quoted that poem as a child.

I have also been adept at splitting for a long time. It’s not the same as “split personality” or “multiple personality”…but they share some traits. Those things are talked about more in Chapter 4. Since being abused, I have learned to take emotion, feeling, and pain away by “going away”. It’s something I can do without much effort now.

Substance abuse used to help me with that. I used to be able to immerse myself into a bottle or smoke myself into oblivion. Now that I cannot do that, my impulses have shifted. We get into impulses in chapter 9…

As far as the previous blog post goes, that is all asked in Chapter 8. I only just read that last night. The way to get back to who I really am is to ask myself the hard questions and form myself around what I know to be true. Empathy for others and being a chameleon for their traits has always been something I have struggled with…at first I thought it was cool. I justified it by saying I was just like Paul in the Bible…all things to all people. All the while I felt like I was leaking parts of myself.

Chapters 6 and 7 deal with molestation/abuse and when symptoms begin. One part that really struck me is that a person in my position will usually seek out a partner who takes control over the situation so that the other person doesn’t have to. I defer a lot to my spouse on many things, although not always without a fight. I didn’t seek him out, though. We just happened to find each other through diving providence. … another story for another day.

I will be finishing the review of this book and my experiences soon.

I found it a bit comical and telling that they used one of the poems I grew up with as an example for Chapter 3. You know the one with girl with the curl in the middle of her forehead? I was always the girl with the curl. I would hear that poem nearly daily as a child. Everyone was always shy to say the “when she was bad” part, because they saw me as such a good child. But if only they knew about the “horrid” little girl that was only just on the other side of that story… I wonder if my life would have been so sweet. *even if it was only at times*

The emptiness is another story. I would feel like there was a black hole in the middle of my soul. I don’t have that feeling too much now, just depression and self loathing. Sometimes those feelings take over and that’s all there is to me. I am filled with pain, not empty per se. A lot of times I feel like there is nothing to me, nothing about me that is desirable to anyone. I wonder why I have a family, or what my husband stays here for.  It’s insanity to another level. It’s the point where you talk yourself to insane.

More soon.

Today is not one of the good days. That’s for sure. I have 3 pages left in this chapter and I cannot bring myself to finish them just yet. More on this later.

Chapter 3 covered interpersonal relationships. I have written before about how I am a self saboteur. I can easily go back into a number of past relationships and friendships that went stale because of my actions or attitude. Even now, my marriage teeters on the brink of destruction due to my inconsistent behavior. Sometimes I am the queen of domestic duties, my house spotless, my child well cared for… then other times *like right now* when I can stare at a pile of dishes or clothes and say “eh”. It infuriates me and my husband. He can’t quite understand why I have such a problem doing my daily tasks.

In the book they talk about sexual ambiguity and the “Groundhog Day” effect, both of which I have gone through in my lifetime. As of this very moment, I am suffering from the latter. Every day starts and ends pretty much the same, with me fighting not to harm myself and my son fighting to take over the world. He asks the same questions every morning which get the same answer. The dog goes out like clockwork: 8, 3, 10.  It’s virtual insanity.

Chapter 4 dealt with the identity issue: Who am I? What is the point in my being here? I can trace this problem back to when I was a pre-teen. I have always felt like I was someone else, like maybe I was adopted. Maybe the whole world was a doll house and God was the dollmaker. I was just waiting for him to take the roof off my house and pluck me out.

I would dream that I was becoming someone else, that I was the ideal person that others wanted to see me become, and the person that I believed to be perfect. In these dreams, which turned into visions, I would have long luxurious wavy hair, an added 4 inches to my height, slender curves, and a glowing skin tone. My voice made people sight. It was as if I was a fairytale princess come to life every time I closed my eyes. I would awaken from those dreams, run to the bathroom, look in the mirror and begin to bawl because it was only a dream.

Chapter 5 is about destructive impulsivity. This is where we get down and dirty about drugs, sex, and other addictive behaviors. I found myself putting the book down or squirming in my seat a lot during this chapter. I still have the propensity to become addicted to alcohol. Right now, I fill the void with food which is why I can’t lose weight. There are so many things that I do to replace the other impulses that I have, it’s mind boggling. When I find myself turning to alcohol, I switch immediately to something like tea or coffee or food or something that is less damaging. Recently, it has turned to cutting which I have done only twice, but the urge has been there since I was a teen. Then I would pull out hair or something like that. There has always been something… at least since I was 8. I could tell you other things that would raise the hairs on your neck, but I won’t…not right now.

Chapter 6 is by far the very worst and it marks the midpoint of the book… more on that after I read up through chapter 8.

I am guilty of asking my husband ambiguous questions with no real right answer. I am also guilty of obsessive behaviors due to fear of abandonment.

Of the 9 criteria for BPD, you only have to fit 5 to be diagnosed with the disorder. I fit all 9 according to the professional test I took on Revolution Health. The book looks a lot like the one that I am writing about my own life. It’s as if someone read my bio and expanded the text. It’s so hard for me to get through the book. I had to put it down a few times last night, I was so overwhelmed by the relation between the book and my life.

I am fearful of something else now, though. I am scared that I will be cured eventually and by then no one will like the real me. Irrational? Maybe, but that’s the new fear that lies within my belly.

In other news, I received one of the books (Hunger) I ordered from Amazon. Here is a run down of books that I have bought/won thus far:

Make sure to check out the new book store that I have added to this site. It’s called Bulletproof Books. It is full of books that pertain to bipolar, borderline, and depression.

Well, low and behold, I find in my email that I did win both the cd and book. I hope to be able to share with you what I think/feel as I read it. I should be receiving it within a week or two. So that is 2 books in less than a week and a great computer program for myself. I am usually buying things like that for my son, not me. The package is worth $25 with shipping. Make sure you check out the store and see if you are interested in buying the book and/or software. Let me know if you do. We might be able to start a book club centering around the book.

I still fall into that pattern, though, as did Ian’s character throughout the book. We are all searching for that one love that will make it alright. I wonder if the character, Rick, finds that love in God or elsewhere. It would be worth me getting the book to find out. I was drawn in by the excerpt. Maybe you will be, too.