WHY do it?

At the time, it seems like the only thing you can do. Someone told me it was a selfish act, when in reality my mind says that I do this so I don’t hurt other people in my rage. Better me than them. It’s not selfish…but a sacrifice. I sacrifice my own self for their well being. I keep my hands busy so that I don’t use them in anger against another person.

It’s only really selfish if my intent is to kill, not cut, myself. THAT is selfish. Of course, I am told that I could slip once and really do myself harm. Do you have any clue what kind of slip it would have to be in order to mortally wound myself with a little razor with no handle? That’s not a slip…that’s deliberate. You have to practically sever your own hand from your body. You can’t just slip and do that. You have to be cutting near a major vein to do that. It’s called SLASHING your wrist, not slipping and cutting your wrist. You have to go in with the intent of majorly harming yourself.

Mutilation is not about death, or it would be called attempted suicide.

I don’t hate myself. I hate the things that the people I love hate about me. I think I am a cool person, but that’s not who people see. I try to show MYSELF, but I get shot every time. I am tired of being told I’m not enough, that I am not pretty enough, nice enough, smart enough… In church yesterday, the pastor spoke something that I have always believed:

If you hear a lie about yourself long enough, you start to believe it and become that lie.

It becomes truth for you. That is how it has always worked for me. I have always said this, and I am always told the same thing: Stop believing the lies. Stop listening to what other people think.

Yeah, easy, right?
NOT!

Transforming my thoughts to those that edify instead of destroy has been a process. A long tedious process. I have come so far, but have so much further to come. There is still only one person in my life that I give the authority to break me. I don’t know how to reclaim that right back short of not being around that person…and that is not an option. I have a lot to think about, a lot to deal with. I have to pick myself back up from this fall and start all over again.

I am still way too emotionally attached to this podcast for it to come out just the way it should. It is the shortest podcast I believe I have ever done. I couldn’t even edit it really, so please forgive me. Every time I hear what I am talking about, I freak out. So I impulsively threw the podcast out and now there is none.

I do have two things that I need to tell you about borderlines and love. It’s brutal, for both people involved. It hurts like all kinds of hellish torture. Borderline love is best explained in songs about obsession and anxiety over losing the one you love… You will do ANYTHING including slit your own wrists to keep that person. Yeah I know it doesn’t sound rational, but that’s the point. It’s all irrational because we think irrationally from the start.

So here is the most recent song that can be related in any way to what I am thinking on this subject:

No Air duet by Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown

My next podcast (which will actually be me talking) will be out on Monday the 24th of March. Thanks for listening.

praying I can last that long without self harming

I don’t like the blood to trickle. I just like the sting after it’s done. It’s terrible. Yes, I have only done it twice but I do it in my mind at least 10 times nearly every single day. It’s not the pain, really. It’s the fact that I can somehow will myself to numb the feeling out. That is what makes it so alluring.

Honestly, it’ s a bit better than being an alcoholic, but just as bad since you are in essence hurting yourself.

Have you ever gotten to the point where you talk to yourself out loud, answer yourself, and reason with yourself as to what to do next? Have you ever held the release in your hand, but just couldn’t bring yourself to go through with it all the way?