Self sabotage: the inevitable truth

Bulletproof Soul — Fri, 23 Feb 2007 17:09:55 +0000

I always sabotage my relationships with people. Some get over it, others don’t. Some of us fix it, others of us just stop being in any type of relationship. I have been good at this for a long time now. A slip of the lip, the wrong things written somewhere…it’s the inevitable truth of my world.

I have tried on more than one occasion to ruin my marriage. I have tried on a number of occasions to screw up every friendship that I have ever had. I have succeeded in some friendships but thank God not in my marriage. I wish I knew why I am so self-destructive, so hell-bent on screwing thing up beyond repair…

There are so many times, like right now for instance, that I wish I could take something back that was said or written… but it’s too late. The damage is done. My stomach is in knots so tight that I can’t even think about eating or drinking anything. This knot won’t go away unless there is some form of resolution to the issue… I fear that I have knocked this particular relationship past the brink of no return. We weren’t that close. We have never met in real life, but the friendship mattered to me anyway… so much… and I ruined it. It makes me want to slink away and never return.

Why am I forced to deal with my own idiocracy?

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Continuing the feeling

Bulletproof Soul — Mon, 29 Jan 2007 14:26:45 +0000

It’s a hard feeling to shake. When you know what is wrong with you and you still can’t fix it, it’s hard to live with. I know that I will feel better one day soon, but right this second and for the last few weeks I have this need to be gone. I can only describe it as being inside a crystal box. The walls are nearly impossible to see, but they still are there and keep me caged.

ps Biance likes to throw her hair around far too much. that’s a dang good weave. Sorry, VH1 videos are on.

BULLETPROOFsoul » running away

Self sabotage: the inevitable truth

Continuing the feeling