Rough Mental States

Bulletproof Soul — Tue, 27 Mar 2007 02:17:48 +0000

I can’t even describe the mental state in which I have found myself today. The closest I can get to the actual feeling is : numb. So much stuff happened last night. So much that I just couldn’t feel anything. You know how people get their limbs cut off and they don’t even feel it? They can even pretty much go on not even knowing it’s not there. There is so much trauma and pain that the damaged appendage just goes completely numb. Where am I on the scale of depressed versus manic versus somewhere in the middle? I cannot tell…

because I am numb.

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Depression/Bipolar:Personal Notes

Bulletproof Soul — Wed, 11 Oct 2006 05:58:47 +0000

I have been told to do my business or get off the crapper lately because I keep talking about what I am doing and how I am doing it, why I don’t trust drugs and psychiatrists, and generally how I am going to get through this without drugs. Apparently, I have drawn some negativity from others who are going through the same or worse because I implied that a person that doesn’t have enough will power has to be on drugs to control their mood disorder. Totally not what I was saying, but that’s apparently how it came across. It was my personal history, my story about how I got to this point, what has happened before I got here, and how I coped undiagnosed.

I am at the point where I want to throw in the towel, give up, become a zombie or whatever the drugs will bring just because I am tired of being looked at like I’m wrong for NOT wanting to get an actual diagnosis and take the pills. It’s like…everyone knows what’s best for me but me.

Another person told me that no matter how depressed I am, the show must go on. It doesn’t matter how I feel or whether or not it is affecting my stamina, it’s about doing what needs to be done regardless. My emotions, my deepest feelings DON’T matter.

Where does this leave me? Wanting to do what others would have me do, and not what I feel is the best thing for myself. Do I give up and give in? Do I go on like I always have and act as if everything is cool? Do I go and spend money I don’t have and time I can’t spare to get on a regimen with a doctor and some kind of psychotropic drugs?

Only time will tell. Right now I am writing from pure emotion…you know, the ones that don’t matter. Ignore if you like.

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Rough Mental States

Depression/Bipolar:Personal Notes